What does it mean to dig into my darkness and just sit with it? What am I really afraid of? What do I hate about life, myself?
I am scared of AAIT (counseling methodology I use) not working - personally and professionally.
I am scared of not making it in my personal business and going back to pizza delivery or a desk job. I am afraid of shame, disappointment, ridicule, others' lack of belief in what I am doing, their knowing that this business wasn't going to take off all along.
I am scared of accepting that life is a struggle. There is no perfect lasting happiness.
I am afraid of this work still feeling like work and therefore I dreading it.
I am so afraid of being crabby, irritable, serious and not present. This is a daily struggle. I am these things every day and I hate it.
This fear is so visceral, it isn't make believe, it's not something I imagine, it is who I am, how I live, right now - along with disliking others, and not being able to let go.
I am afraid of trading in my authenticity for approval. Another thing I forsake myself with every day. I am afraid of constantly wanting approval.
I am afraid of other's people judgments particularly judgments of me being lame, stuck up, crazy, stupid, short sighted, unpleasant, too fucking intense
- oh man I'm so intense I can feel it sometimes and I think people hate it. I hate this because it runs in my family, and I've hated experiencing it and I'm so afraid of becoming it - along with a host of other family traits.
I'm afraid I'll always be afraid and confused and struggling.
Maybe that's why I'm trying so hard right now to get in there and accept it. A sort of "backdoor" fix - fixing by not fixing.
I don't really know how to avoid that.
That's all I've got today - and an ask: don't comfort me, don't tell me I have nothing to be afraid of, that these things aren't a big deal. No silver linings please. Today I am working on standing in discomfort one second longer than I did before.
If you are ready to face your fears I have a spread just for you warrior! Give it a whirl with your own deck, or mention this blog post and you can get $20 off doing this reading with me.