A friend told me once that she gives her self "pep talks" when she's feeling down. I asked her what these pep talks sounded like.... God, they were horrible! It was like how a lion tamer would "pep talk" a lion into performing tricks.
"You gotta do this now. Come on! Stop wallowing and get your shit together! Stop being such a baby. Suck it up! Just be happy."
What would you do if someone talked to you like that?
I don't know about you, but I'd tell them to F off!
...Also, I'd probably do whatever they DIDN'T tell me to do just because I was so angsty against them.
Petty I know. But HUMAN.
And look, you're doing the same thing to yourself, aren't you? Negative self talk does result in self sabotage.
That's right, you are a human. Turns out your mind isn't a lion that can be tamed with whips!
Even lions didn't go for that all the time ... can you imagine trying to pull that shit in the wild? Dead.
So unless you want to live like a caged lion. Unless you CAN live that freaking structured and limited and controlled all the time, it's NOT gonna work.
So what do I do?
What have people said to you when you were upset that made you feel better - not just warm and fuzzy - but more confident, empowered, and at peace with your problem?
You might try practicing talking to yourself like that. Not easy, takes practice, just like everything else, that muscle will get stronger in time.