Jay* , a client of mine, is using our therapy sessions to explore the divide between their monogamous commitment and bisexuality. Here's the story:
Jay is in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship. Jay and their partner have built a life together, and they love this life. They have a shared family and a home.
Jay identifies as bi. This part of Jay's identity has been relatively unexplored their whole life. Jay's partner is strictly monogamous. Jay and their partner tried opening up their relationship. It turns out that Jay's partner is not polyamorously oriented, and could not maintain the relationship if Jay wanted to be in an open relationship.
Jay is deeply torn - between the part of them bursting at the seams to explore this lifelong repressed yearning and honoring the life and relationship they love very much.
How does this play out in therapy? What can be done to affirm Bi or Pan folks in a committed monogamous relationship?
We started with listening to these two parts, and finding creative ways to meet Jay's needs.
"Parts" is a therapy term from IFS, which sees consciousness as composed of various “parts” or subpersonalities, each with its own perspective, interests, and memories. In IFS, we try to communicate directly with these parts, as if in conversation. Here's a summary of the conversation between the different parts of Jay:
Protective Jay says:
The protective part of Jay's bisexuality wants to burn it all down. Saying, "There's nothing for me in this life you have built."
"Jay's life isn't truly lived - Jay has buried their bisexuality their whole life - is Jay going to die like that?"
Underneath the aggressive protectiveness, are the old wounds Jay has from a lifetime of ridicule. In our therapy sessions, we could got in touch with these wounded parts, and learned they just want to feel safe, held and loved for who they are.
Manager Jay says in response:
This part says, "I am constantly working to keep every last thing balanced in Jay's life."
"Nothing, short of betrayal, is enough to satisfy Jay's sexual expression. Jay has already processed trauma, found outlets to express bisexual desires, and is being compassionately seen in their bisexuality in therapy."
This part pointed out that Jay's partner said no to an open relationship. It believes Jay's bisexuality threatens to betray Jay's commitment.
This part's fear of judgment isn't just from Jay's past. Jay's friends have made judgmental remarks about LGBT folks. It fears what will happen to Jay's work relationships if they come out.
Instead of being open to listening to the wounded and protective parts of Jay, this part said "I can't listen anymore. I am too exhausted and afraid of losing everything I've built."
Let's get Jay's Self involved in the conversation:
"Self" is another term from IFS and means the true essence of who an individual is, unobscured by parts. Self is always compassionate, calm, curious and connected.
Jay's Self says:
I understand grieving is not one-and-done. Jay has affirmed and listened to the most wounded parts of themself a couple of times but they need to keep listening and holding the lifetime of pain.
As a result of Jay and Florence's work to listen to and affirm Jay's wounds, Jay has removed self-shame, found other outlets of expression, and come out to some friends. This is BIG PROGRESS for Jay!
However, within Jay's partnership, there has never been that listening or affirmation that Jay needs. It got too threatening to the relationship, but it is what Jay's wounds want the most.
Underneath the scary protective parts that want to burn it all down and betray Jay's commitment; are incredibly wounded parts that only want to be loved by Jay and Jay's partner.
Unfortunately, Jay's manager part is so scared, that it has perpetuated the cycle of ridicule, shame, and hiding from Jay's past.
After going back and forth Jay and I identified some paths forward:
We need to build trust with Manager Jay by demonstrating Jay's life won't blow up if they start to open up. Jay did this by coming out to friends, enjoying masturbation that reflects Jay's orientation, consuming media affirming bisexuality, and connecting with the LGBT community.
We need to show Manager Jay that there is a safe space, as well as a safe WAY, to communicate the needs of their wounds to Jay's partner. We did this by using the therapeutic space. In the therapy setting, we could deliver Jay's message to their partner, as well as tend to their partner's needs and fears.
While Jay and I worked through these tasks, the parts of Jay that are protective of Jay's bisexuality sa w that Jay is listening and taking effective actions. Jay has demonstrated they will continue to hold their wounds and needs with love. As a result, the urge to betray Jay's commitment softened.
*** Jay is a fictional amalgamation client, who is gender neutral and middle-aged, to protect client identities and represent a theme of clients. Any relation to a real person is purely coincidental.***