
I am often shocked by how much I still have to learn about kink, despite years of education, training with kinky professionals, and being thoroughly integrated in a supportive and educated community of kinky friends.
In my experience, clients exploring kinkiness often feel like they're fumbling in the dark: a partner does something new in bed, they read something inspiring in a smutty novel, they hop on a dating app, or go to a local club to find a play partner.
Unfortunately, this often does not go well. The players do not know how to create emotional or physical safety, for themselves or others—or worse, naivety is exploited. So, whether you're visiting a local dungeon, hooking up on Feeld, or exploring with your cutie(s), it is crucial to start by understanding your rights and responsibilities.
The following are drawn from The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by the incredible Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THESE BOOKS. I cannot cover the depth of insight, exploration tools, and education provided in these books in this simplified summary. However, they are thoroughly enjoyable books, and a perfect place to start your kink education.
Your Rights and Responsibilities as a Top
Top: the person taking the dominant role and controlling the play
As a Top you have the responsibility for the following:
knowing and stating your needs, wants, and limits - These may change over time and as you stumble into them. There may be scenes (the period of time when you're engaging in kinky activities) that make you feel incompetent, disgusted, or bad. Hit the pause button and communicate.
following through on your promises - Avoidance, consistently cancelling, or changing plans last minute is unfair, irresponsible, and does not promote trust that is integral to many scenes.
your own and your partner's physical safety - There are many reasons bottoms, especially in-scene, can not inform you fully of their safety even with a check-in. Do your research, observe, and come prepared. A bottom may want you to go harder than their body can take, and it's on you to stop the scene, no matter what the bottom wants, if there is danger.
emergency preparedness - From natural disasters and other people, to health issues and kink-related explorations, don't start the scene unless you know what you would do should any emergencies arise.
caring for your equipment - Equipment can carry disease and break mid-use (like the bolt holding up your partner who is suspended by a rope). Toys, materials, body parts and lubes don't always mix well. Do your research.
your own and your partner's emotional safety - In general, be responsible for your own emotions, and ask for the support you need. In-scene, however, roles, boundaries, and states of being are altered, with consent, of course. The following are mutual, but you may still need to take the lead on these as the Top: checking in about potential triggers, being available for emotional aftershocks, and providing affectionate support.
You have the right, as a Top, to the following:
clear communication - Ask about your partner's needs, wants, fantasies, and limits. Ask how to make up-front open communication as comfortable as possible. Fill out a "Yes, No, Maybe" list (here, here, here, and here) together to guide this conversation.
expecting support from your partner - Whether you're in scene or not, mistakes will happen, and you have the right to ask for support navigating that mistake in a non-blaming (assuming you were mindful and doing your best) and friendship-centered way from your partner.
to be nurtured - "Needing to be taken care of does not make you any less of a top." Sexual play is vulnerable for the Top too! Vulnerability deserves nurturing and acceptance, so ask for it when you need it.
to get your needs met - Ask for what you want, especially if it isn't part of a standard kink scenario. What makes you feel like topping? Completed chores? Hearing begs? Getting a massage? Ask!
responsiveness - It is hard to enjoy all the energy that goes into topping without knowing if the Bottom is having a great time. It is also dangerous and makes your job as a Top a lot harder. You have the right to request verbal feedback and check in during play. Reward feedback! If that feels too "lite," you can demand they ask for permission to speak or let them know how much it turns you on when they do X (sign of pleasure).
constructive feedback - It is encouraged to debrief after your scene about how you each felt, what worked, what didn't work, and what you would like to try differently next time. Give each other nice ego strokes along the way! This stuff is vulnerable! And make sure feedback is clear and useful.
Rights and Responsibilities for Bottoms
Bottom: the person taking a passive role, receiving
Your responsibilities mirror the rights of the Top (above), so check those out for more reference!
As a Bottom, you have the responsibility for the following:
"Many Tops feel completely lost with Bottoms who don't have the faintest idea of what they want, and, as we have said, it's irresponsible for bottoms to expect the Tops to do all the work." - from The New Book on Bottoming
keeping agreements - Show up, check in, be consistent, reciprocate effort, etc.
being supportive and nurturing to your Top: They are a human, not a professional, nor are they a kink dispenser. Neither are you!
check in about your Top's needs and allow them to "yellow" or "red" out, too - "Yellow" and "red" are common safe-words corresponding to "pause" and "stop," like a stoplight.
give clear, constructive feedback
be responsive; express enthusiasm and desire - Use your words, body, and touch before, during and after scenes. Again, this is vulnerable territory that takes a lot of energy. It is hardly worth it without the reward of clearly seeing our partner's desire, joy, and pleasure.
Your rights as a Bottom, also similar to the Top's... noticing a pattern here?
clear communication - Ask about your partner's needs, wants, fantasies, and limits. Ask how to make up-front open communication as comfortable as possible. Fill out a "Yes, No, Maybe" list (here, here, here, and here) together to guide this conversation.
to positive, nurturing, and constructive feedback
to have your limits respected and start slow - A good Top will want to respect your limits. Y'all will put in the time and effort to build a sense of trust and safety together. From that foundation, grown slowly over time, you may want to explore beyond your limits. However, this is never necessary.
for your physical and emotional safety to be maintained and emergencies prepared for
to have whatever you need to feel safe first - Do you need to get to know each other? Do you need to "lab" (lights on and clothes on, casual, "non-sexy" practice)? Do you need to ask questions and go through different scenarios? It is okay to need time to build a sense of trust and care.
You are not robotic kink dispensers, and you are not paid professionals. You need to know what you want and communicate that to each other. You each have limits that need to be honored with compassion. All of this requires vulnerability. So, how you do support feeling safe to be vulnerable? Usually, with time—time enough to demonstrate reciprocal and mutual effort, care, interest, and trustworthiness.
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