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Fight Right: Turning Conflict into Connection


"Nothing builds intimacy like vulnerability" - Janet Hardy .... and nothing is quite as vulnerable as an intimate conflict.


We are in such close quarters right now. General frustration and tension is so high - it is only natural we are going to be more likely to snap during this time.


How do we do capitalize on this opportunity to connect?


First, there's a few things we need to understand

  • Give yourself grace

  • During crisis we can only function around 80% as well as usual, let this be 40%, 60%, etc for compounding issues: loss or financially insecurity

  • Further take 20% (40%, 60%, etc if compounding issues) off your plate.

  • You can’t fix something you just found out about OR something that has been going on for a long time in a short discussion - give heated discussions lots and lots of space

  • It is unfair to ask your partner to sit and listen to even subtle forms of blame, accusation, or judgment; to be the target of your frustration:

  • We are right to resist our boundaries being crossed 

  • Major backfire alert in terms of getting what you want and need


  • Intimate conversations can be a set up for disaster:

  • They bring up our deepest, most subconscious wounds creating fast, blind, big reactions

  • No one can fight fair in this adrenalized, triggered state


SO, make rules:

1.When and where is it safe to have heated discussions?

2. Use, and respect, safe words to slow down or stop when triggering is happening


  • no last words, just STOP

  • not about fault

  • set a time to check back in


* Pausing for pauses - how and why to do it*


It can hurt and be hard to do, especially at first

You need 15 minutes of unstimulated time to get out of the adrenalized state

  • may need to journal, exercise, dance or listen to music first

  • just let that ugly dark stuff we all have flow on out

Then set your timer for 15 of distracting relaxation: game, music, tv, internet, podcast, etc.

Don’t kid yourself with meditation, most people don’t have the mental capacity to do that during such a hard time.



  • Nurture time outs with quiet: do you need:separate rooms or spaces? headphones? to let the kids know about these rules?